


No, But (Yes, And)

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: Water and Fire (and Steam) [6]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Drinking, Drinking Games, First Kiss, Hupperdook, M/M, canon adjacent, post episode 24, they're both drunk and in love, they're so fucking soft with each other and it kills me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: It's the Hour of Honor - and then some hours later, the aftermath.or, what happened between Fjord and Caleb after everyone got shit faced in the drinking contest in Hupperdook.
Relationships: Fjord/Caleb Widogast
Series: Water and Fire (and Steam) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1512638
Comments: 11
Kudos: 125





	No, But (Yes, And)

**Author's Note:**

> honestly as soon as i started watching this episode like i knew i was gonna write a fic for it - and that was months ago but i just hadn't had the time until now! I didn't realize how much I was going to like writing them drunk but honestly this was sooo much fun
> 
> so this one, unlike all the other ones, does make a few more references to my previous works in the series, but honestly it can still be read on its own
> 
> I really hope you guys like it!

As soon as they reach Hupperdook, everyone realizes that Beau wasn’t kidding about it being a party town. After being pointed in the direction of the Blushing Tankard Tavern on the Idleworks Shelf and finding an unexpected guide in Rissa, a local gnome woman, the group quickly finds the tavern, renting four rooms and buying their first round of drinks from the dwarven barkeep, who informs them that both drinks and companions can be brought up to their rooms. Molly and Beau are the ones talking to her, Molly flirting around as he usually does while Beau exasperatedly gathers up three of the four keys to hand off to the group.

Fjord watches Molly take a sip from his drink, laughing with the woman. Caleb sidles up beside him and is quickly given a key as Beau walks past.

“Hey, Jester, come get your key!” she calls out, heading over to where Jester is still teasing the pianist.

“I-I feel like I may be regretting my roommate choice tonight,” Fjord says to Caleb, eyes still on Molly as the tiefling now knocks back his drink. “It’s - it’s just a hunch. I think he’s in his element.”

“Well, uh, the odds are that you are not going to even see him in your room tonight, so I wouldn’t worry about it so much,” Caleb assures him.

“You think? He’ll just like, tear into the night and maybe not come back til the sun comes up?” Fjord reasons.

“He’s like a,” Caleb struggles for the word, “A coyote. You know what that - what that is?”  
“Yeah, it’s like - I do,” Fjord says instead, knowing that he probably doesn’t need to prove that he knows what a coyote is.

Caleb nods. “Yeah, they like to fuck a lot is my point.”

(Fjord is so, so glad that he hadn’t been drinking anything, because Caleb’s deadpan delivery would have made him choke.)

“But if you want a quieter evening,” Caleb continues, unaware of Fjord’s rising blush, “you can certainly share the room with Nott and I for once. It’s probably not as raucous a room, but, ah, you’re welcome to it.”

Fjord can’t seem to agree to his offer quick enough. “Yeah, just - just in case he goes, you know, full monty, I just kinda might have like a secret knock or something.”

Caleb gives Fjord an amused glance as they fall into comfortable silence before Molly heads over, handing them each a drink and herding them to a table where everyone else drifts over to. They have a few drinks and watch the hustle and bustle of the citizens as they transform from workers to partiers. It’s lively and fun, with the only downside being a few gnomes that want to bother Rissa that is quickly resolved by Molly and Jester.

The slight commotion the other gnomes caused that were bothering Rissa had died down by the time Fjord remembers to ask, “Rissa, can I ask you about the - what’s it called honor hour that comes up later?” He had overheard the barkeep mention it to Molly as she’d been pouring out his drink.

“Hour of Honor?” Rissa corrects, an interested smile on her face. She points to the back wall, at the wooden plaques that line it, as she begins to explain the weekly drinking contest that they hold, where a team challenges the previous champions. Winners get free drinks for the week and they get their share of the prize pot, comprised of whatever money the competing team paid to join.

It didn’t take long for the group to decide that they wanted in.

“Who’s going to put Kiri either on their shoulders, or we need to -” Beau began.

“Me!” Jester sang out at the same time Fjord says, “To bed.”

Jester turns to him with a scowl, and he simply repeats, “To bed!”

“We can’t put her to bed!” Jester argues.

“Why not?” Fjord asks with a frown.

“Because she’ll just come out of the room, won’t you, Kiri?” Jester explains, turning to Kiri.

Nott shakes her head. “Why would she come out of the room?”

Molly shrugs, “Because Hupperdook.”

Jester nods. “Because there’s so much noise and stuff.”

“She’s a child,” Nott follows up.

“It’s family-friendly,” Molly counters.

“There’s no daycare, fuckin’ - like, there’s drop-off daycare? Is there a daycare here, Rissa?” Fjord asks, looking at their guide.

“ _ I am Kiri _ ,” Kiri chirps up from where she’s sitting between Fjord and Jester, her black feathers ruffling.

“Oh, god,” Fjord mumbles, trying not to look at Kiri because he knows how adorable she is and he just might let her tag along.

“Yes, you are very sweet,” Jester grins down at her.

Kiri poofs up further, looking proud and happy, “ _ Yes, I am very sweet _ .”

“Perhaps,” Caleb starts quietly, before clearing his throat and trying again, “Perhaps our feathered friend is a little more important than the horses and, well, I could just leave my threads around her room and she would be safe there - and I would know if there was a problem.”

“ _ Doesn’t matter, though _ ,” Kiri croons, sounding just like Caleb.

“No, but it does, it does matter, because you are a young child and you need to get your rest, and we are going to be doing things that are, quite frankly, not for your eyes,” Caleb explains to her.

Kiri nods, mimicking Jester, “ _ Okay _ .”

Caleb turns to Jester as Fjord does too, both of them clearly thinking that the matter was settled.

Jester was wholly unconvinced. “She would come out of the room. I know her.”

“ _ I know her _ ,” Kiri nods again, agreeing with Jester.

“What if we get her one of those child leashes?” Beau suggests.

“Oh, oh!” Nott pipes up, standing in her seat and almost knocking her drink over. “They said that they would send someone to the room, right, Molly?”

“Did they?” Molly asks with a raised brow.

Nott seems confused. “Didn’t you say that they - they had - that they would send someone to the room? Something like -”

“Room service,” Fjord answered her but Caleb understood what she meant as he said, “We could get a babysitter.”

“Like a babysitter,” Nott nods enthusiastically. “We could pay one of their women to - to watch our little Kiri.”

Beau wrinkles her nose. “I mean…”

Molly breaks into a wide grin, leaning over towards Nott, “I have done some ridiculous things in my life - this - that might, might take the top of it, though.”

“They’re working women,” Nott rationalizes. “We rent them for a time.”

“Well, first off you’re assuming they’re all women,” Rissa chimes in, amusement in her voice.

“Oh, yeah, that’s true!” Nott exclaims. “We could get a sturdy, strapping gigolo man to go up there and -”

“Yeah, but we don’t want to leave her alone with some guy we have never met,” Caleb says.

“- and watch out for Kiri!” Nott finishes.

Jester’s quiet for a beat before she shrugs. “I don’t think that’s a bad idea.”

“Rissa, do you know how much one of these, um, evening companions might run per hour?” Fjord asks.

“I can honestly say I do not,” Rissa answers with a shake of her head.

“Shit,” Fjord mumbles, glancing over at the counter, knowing this is one question he really doesn’t want to ask.

“Sorry,” Rissa shrugs.

“Should I go ask?” Fjord hazards.

When no one answers aside from Nott’s enthusiastic, “Yes!”, Fjord gets up.

“Yes, alright, fine - I’ll be right back.” The bar isn’t that far from their table, but with all the laughter and voices they’re quickly out of earshot.

Caleb watches Fjord as he goes, very vaguely nodding his agreement to the idea that Yasha babysit Kiri as he tracks Fjord amongst the patrons refilling on drink. He sees the dwarven women do a triple take when she sees Fjord, leaning across the bar in what Caleb knows is both an effort to get closer to hear Fjord better while also making sure her cleavage is on full display.

While the woman in Berleben had been flirting with Fjord, she was definitely a saint compared to this one.

She says something that makes Fjord flush as he points back at their table, and Caleb quickly glances away so that he isn’t caught watching. He waits for a second before peeking back, seeing that Fjord is a shade greener and clearly flustered. He nods and gives her a strained smile before ducking his head and making his way back to their table.

“What did she say?” Jester asks as he slides into his seat.

“That was the most horrible thing I’ve ever had to do,” he gets out, looking perturbed. “I’m just not prepared to talk to people about those things.”

Jester looks amused, repeating, “What did she say?”

“It’s 20 gold for three hou- three people for an hour,” Fjord answers.

“That’s it?”Jester blinks, expecting it to be more expensive.

“Three man-hours?” Nott clarifies.

Fjord shakes his head. “Nope,” he holds up one finger before turning it to three, “At one hour, three people - 20 gold. So that’s - yeah.”

“Are you alright?” Caleb finally asks, feeling sorry for Fjord but also finding him adorable.

( _ The color of his skin and the stutter and how embarrassed he is - he’s just too much and Caleb wishes he were sitting beside him, if only to see him up closer. _ )

“God, it’s - it’s real uncomfortable,” Fjord admits, giving Caleb a nervous glance.

“Why do we need three people to watch Kiri?” Jester asks, raising an eyebrow at Fjord.

Nott nods from where she’s sitting on Jester’s other side. “And I think it would be more than - more than an hour.”

“Look, I - I was just making shit up on the fly, alright?” Fjord rushes out.

Molly shakes his head with a grin, turning to Yasha. “Yasha, I know you’re not into this. I know that you want to have a night out. Do you just wanna see and keep the young one out of trouble?”

“I can - I can do that, yeah,” she nods. “She’s small. I can hold her down.”

Jester frowns at her choice of words, but Molly swoops in quickly, reaching over Nott’s head and patting Jester’s arm. “It’s going to be fine, that’s a joke.”

Caleb looks up at Yasha, now catching up with the idea the group had thrown around while Fjord had been with the barkeep. “Are you sure? I was planning to go out, but it's - it’s awkward for me. I thought you would be going.”

“Well, it’s awkward for me, too,” Yasha admits quietly.

“So, I thought that we could, you know,” he points between the two of them, “give each other m-moral support, you know what I mean?”  
“Good, then you go out and have a good time,” Yasha nods. “I’ll hold the bird down.”

Fjord speaks up. “Is that a phrase or does she actually mean she’ll hold the bird down?”

“Only one way to find out,” Molly shrugs.

“The child will be dead by the morning,” Caleb mumbles under his breath, turning from Kiri to Yasha.

“Kiri,” Jester starts, making sure Kiri’s looking at her. “Are you cool with staying with Yasha for the whole night?”

“ _ I can send a message _ ,” Kiri coos with a small nod.

“Do you promise you won’t - you won’t try to leave her, and you won’t try to come out and find us?” Jester presses.

“ _ Okay. I don’t know if it’s smart _ ,” she chirps.

Jester pauses for a second before she frowns, throwing her hands up in the air, “I don’t think it is either, Kiri!”

“Oh, no, Jester - oh, come on, she is just trying to tug on your heartstrings. She’ll be fine,” Fjord assures her.

Her frown melts into a fond smile as she pulls Kiri into a hug. “Oh, I just love her so much!”

“I know,” Fjord nods. “She’ll be safe.”

“You be good,” Jester instructs her, as she let’s go of Kiri.

They all start to make plans to leave at that, Yasha picking up Kiri and taking her upstairs as Jester and Nott try to convince either Caleb or Beau to join in their dance routine. Caleb declines despite claiming to know how to dance, while Beau says no because she was their last choice.

Fjord has just started to relax from the ordeal of having requested “evening companions” as they begin to head out of the Blushing Tankard when the barkeep calls him over.

“Ma’am,” Fjord says in greeting as he steps closer to where she is, with the group following him over.

“So, just asking - how soon are you wanting this, ah, companionship sent to your rooms, and, ah,” and she reaches across the bar, running a finger over Fjord’s armor, “I could give you a discount.”

“I - I,” Fjord stutters out, but Jester steps in to save him.

“You know, here’s the thing,” she begins with an apologetic smile, “He’s already been with the Ruby of the Sea, so probably nothing you do could compare to that. Kind of sad, really.”

The dwarven women looks between Jester and Fjord. “Would you like me to cancel your request, then?”

“No,” Fjord blurts out. “No - I-I’d like to put a deposit down. I don’t know when we’ll be back. Maybe four gold to hold the reservation?”

“Ask if there’s a cancellation fee,” Caleb says quietly into his ear from where he was standing behind him, and if Fjord wasn’t flustered already feeling Caleb’s breath ghost across the shell of his ear definitely did him in.

Fjord shakes his head, handing the gold over to the woman. “No, I can’t - I’m terrified,” he whispers back to Caleb.

“Alrighty, I’ll hold onto this til then.” She puts the money into the top of her blouse where it disappears into her cleavage. “Well, hopefully see you around.” She runs her finger over Fjord’s chest one last time, “Take care of yourself, lad.”

“Yeah, okay,” Fjord wheezes out before they finally start to leave again, Fjord cutting on ahead of them to get out first.

As soon as the woman is out of earshot Beau asks, “Did you just put a hooker on layaway?”

“I think I did,” Fjord says, the mortification in his voice clear, “I feel like I did.” He turns to Jester, looking even more flustered and incredulous, “Did you just say I’d been with your mom!”

Jester wrinkles her nose. “I know I said - as soon as I said it, it was like really creepy.”

“Yeah, that’s fucked up,” Fjord agrees.

“But, you know what, it was just a power play,” Jester shrugs. “And it didn’t really work out, so.”

“I will say, normally like, ah, being like ‘You slept with my mom’ is an insult or something, or like ‘Don’t talk about my mom’,” Beau tells her.

“Yeah, but people that have slept with my mom are like really rich and really powerful, usually, so it’s a - a compliment for them,” Jester explains.

“Also, you have to embrace ‘Yes, and’, Fjord,” Caleb recommends. “‘Yes, and’ not ‘no, but’.”

Fjord nods. “Yeah, alright, well -”

“This is good,” Nott interrupts. “We have - You have an opportunity for later, if you choose to use it, and it could be -”

“Yeah, I could sit in the room and let you know if they’re any good or not!” Jester finishes for Nott.

It looks like Fjord is three seconds to throwing up.

“Are you honestly okay?” Caleb asks, worry now replacing the fond amusement that had colored his voice. “You seem very perturbed.”

Fjord nods. “Yeah, I’m not real comfortable with this sort of stuff.”

“Have you ever been with someone?” Nott says, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Yeah, totally,” Fjord answer quickly.

“Are you sure?” Nott presses.

“Yep,” Fjord assures.

“Have you ever paid for anybody before?” Jester asks this time.

“No,” Fjord says with finality.

“Was it,” Caleb begins, and while he wants to look away when he asks, he can’t bring himself to, “Was it someone special?”

Fjord shakes his head again. “No.” He holds Caleb’s gaze for a beat before they both look away and the conversation lulls as fireworks continue to go off outside and Molly leads them into the night.

* * *

“It is hard to believe, but I was able to do the - I danced the waltz and the tarantella,” Caleb explains to Jester as they’re walking through the city, sipping and laughing - and Caleb is clearly buzzed. “It’s been many years.”

“Well, you should show me sometime, ‘cause I want to see it,” Jester gushes, excited at the prospect.

Caleb shakes his head. “I am very much out of practice and -”

“We can do it when nobody’s watching,” Jester assures him, “okay?”

Molly nods. “I could see you as a waltzer - that makes sense.”

“It does a little bit,” Caleb agrees.

(Fjord wonders how that might be - waltzing with Caleb. It sounds nice.)

“I’m really good at the waltz,” Jester informs them.

Caleb thinks on it for a second before nodding. “I believe it.”

“Yeah, they taught me the same time I learned piano,” Jester shrugs.

“Is there anything else that you’re hiding from us? Any other quirks or skills?” Caleb asks.

“Soo many,” Jester grins. “Lots of skills.”

“What are three more?”

“I can paint,” Jester starts, counting off on her fingers, “I’m really good at, um, baking scones - specifically scones.”

“With cinnamon, right?” Fjord chimes in.

Jester nods, “With cinnamon.”

“Scones are hard to make,” Beau says, sounding impressed as she and Nott have caught up to the group.

“I know - it’s a very tough recipe, but I’m good at it,” Jester tells them.

“The trick is to not overmix,” Nott pipes up, miming kneading dough. “You don’t want to overmix.”

Caleb reaches over and pats Nott on the head. “Where have you two been?”

She glances up at Caleb with a smile, “Oh, sorry. We’ve been walking - with your friend, Beau.”

Nodding, Caleb pats Nott on the head once more, “Wait, hold that thought,” before looking back at Jester. “So that’s two things.”

“Yes,” Jester agrees.

“And the third is?” he asks.

“The third thing,” she begins, before turning to Fjord, “is something that I want to talk to Fjord about because if he’s that inexperienced, then maybe he should take some lessons or something.”

“Oh my God,” Fjord groans, not wanting the conversation to turn to that again.

Molly and Beau break into howls of laughter as they see his flustered expression and Jester’s earnest look of worry.

“Time is of the essence!” Nott exclaims. “He might be with a - with a lady of the night later tonight. You might have to teach him quickly.”

“That’s true,” Jester admits.

“And was that skill, ah, learned or innate?” Caleb barrels on.

“Cram school!” Nott jokes.

“No, no, no,” Jester shakes her head. “It really was more of a - a learning sort of thing.”

Caleb nods sagely. “Yeah, study is key.”

“Yes, it’s all about studying,” Jester agrees.

“That’s true,” Caleb whispers to Nott. Caleb suddenly gasps and says, “I’m done here,” before he makes a beeline towards a shop window, trying the door, and, when it fails to open, pressing his face against the glass to try and catch a glimpse of the inside.

Fjord can’t be thankful that a bookshop has appeared - even if it is closed. Anything that will get them off of the embarrassing topic of Fjord’s sexual inexperience was good enough for him.

They move on from the closed shop, finding a flower stand manned by a small gnome girl named Tara. Jester buys a few flowers, promising to come around again tomorrow and bring Kiri with her so that Tara and Kiri can have a playdate.

She hands out the flowers to the group, and Fjord declines as he looks around to try and figure out where they are in the city so that they can start heading back to the Blushing Tankard. “I think we should -” he begins, but his voice dies when he catches sight of the flower in Caleb’s hair. It’s made of silver silk, and it’s sitting behind his ear in his unruly red hair. Fjord clears his throat. “Looks like they even go through the night,” he gets out, pointing lamely at a passing crownsguard, “That’s some dedication.”

“That seems like a bit much, doesn’t it?” Molly says with a frown.

“Yeah,” Fjord agrees. “Work ethic can kinda choke you in that way.” He swallows hard, unsure why the hell he phrased it like that. “Well, it's about that time - should we, uh, make our way back for whatever this is going to be?”

“I got what I needed, I’m ready,” Molly grins and they start making their way back to the Blushing Tankard.

* * *

“Attention, arseholes!” the dwarven barkeep shouts from where she’s standing on the bar counter, stomping her foot loudly to gather everyone’s attention. The Mighty Nein has filtered into the Blushing Tankard, and they turn to her. “Might I have your leering eyes upon this supple and available specimen of a woman?”

There are some cheers and wolf-whistles from the crowd.

“Oh, thank you,” she smiles, leaning forward and winking at the crowd, “It’s as you’ve all been waiting for - the Hour of Honor!”

The crowd erupts into shouts and applause, the atmosphere shifting from lively and fun to excited and competitive.

“And the tokens and titles are at stake,” she continues. “Old Blemmy and his crew hold this winner’s tokens for the last three weeks!” She gestures at a group of gnomes off to the side, where a dwarven man sits, a scar running over a snowblind eye, a beard that obscures his mouth hanging off his face. “They’re not willing to let them go! Who wants to put up their coin and their balls to topple these nobodies?”

As shouts of pay in’s start going off left and right, the group gather their funds, and, after outbidding a group of gnome miners, secure their spot in the competition for 30 gold.

“It looks like our contenders for the night are -” she begins with a shout, before leaning over to them and whispering, “what are you called?”

“The Mighty Nein,” Molly answers quickly.

Straightening up, the woman bellows, “The Mighty Nein! Alright let’s set up these drinks, people!”

There’s a flurry of movement as two tables are pushed up against each other and the crowd moves to surround them as bottles are brought over and the competition is set up. They decide on the order in which they’ll compete - and agree that Jester should sit out the competition since she doesn’t drink - and despite Jester stomping away in a huff, she returns after a second and volunteers to be a distraction to make the other team lose their cool. It’s not long before the barkeep is getting everyone’s attention again.

“Alright, friends! I am but your humble evening mistress, Irena Clammop, and it is my pleasure to present to you tonight’s esteemed head-to-head drinking battle between Old Blemmy and crew and The Mighty Nein!” She shouts. “So, first up of Blemmy’s crew, we have Duncan!”

A middle aged gnome steps up, climbing into his seat and putting a hand on his tankard, ready to start.

“And on The Mighty Nein’s side, who’s competing against old Duncan?” Irena asks.

“I’ll take this in,” Molly volunteers, sauntering up to the table and taking a seat.

“What’s your name?” Irena whispers.

“Molly, dear,” he answers with a grin.

She turns back to the crowd, “Molly!” She claps her hands together. “Alright, so, we’ll take turns.” Another bar worker pulls out a handheld barrel from beneath the table, filling their drinks to the brim. “When I clap hands together, you both drink!” she instructs. “It’s not first to finish, but it’s one drink after the next. First to pass out or lose their drink forfeits. So, with your drinks full, let’s begin!” And she claps.

Duncan finishes his drink as Molly’s only partway through his, and once Molly finally sets his tankard down, Irena shouts, “Next round!” and their drinks are full again.

They’re another two drinks in when Duncan starts to look a little green.

“Don’t you lose it, boy,” Old Blemmy rasps from behind him as the crowd cheers louder when the next drink is being poured.

The drinks go down fast, and Molly and Duncan only stare at each other before Duncan throws up into his own lap.

“And you’re out!” Irena claps. “And he’s down! First round goes to The Mighty Nein!”

Molly stands and takes a shaky bow, flamboyant as always despite the flush to his lavender skin. He falls back into the group, getting caught by Caleb. He looks up at Caleb with a lazy smile. “I’m very drunk,” Molly grins.

Caleb shakes his head with a smile of his own as Irena presents the next competitor.

“Next up, you have Ruth!” she exclaims as a fierce looking gnome woman takes Duncan’s place.

“I’ll show you how it’s done, Duncan,” she growls, turning to look at the server. “Fill it!”

Beau hops into the seat opposite hers, a cocky grin on her face. Jester jumps onto a nearby table and starts cheering, “Beau! Beau! Beau!” with the rest of The Mighty Nein and a few of the people in the crowd joining in as well.

They’re four drinks in and both Beau and Ruth are looking woozy. Beau wipes the sweat off her brow in between drinks as Fjord steps in and rubs her shoulders like a boxing coach, the cheers of Beau’s name still ringing in the background.

The next drink leaves Beau looking worse, and with the one that follows she spits out as soon as the tankard hits the table, managing out a small, “Sorry,” before covering her mouth to keep from throwing up all the way.

She’s out nonetheless, giving Ruth the victory and the crowd falling into sad awwww’s.

Irena ushers in the next competitors. “Next up, we have Valkin!”

A smaller, thinner gnome, younger than the rest of Old Blemmy’s group, climbs into the seat the Ruth got off of. “Ah, who’s my, uh, who’s my, ah, competitor?”

“ _ Ja _ , hello, my name is Caleb,” Caleb greets as Fjord helps Beau limp away from the table. He sits across from Valkin.

“Caleb, it’s a pleasure,” Valkin smiles, reaching out and shaking Caleb’s hand.

“It’s a pleasure,” Caleb says back.

“Best of luck,” Valkin nods, his smile turning sly, “May the best gnome win.”

“Let’s enjoy a good game - did you just say ‘may the best gnome win’?” Caleb asks as their tankards are getting filled.

“Yes,” Valkin answers, smile unwavering.

“He’s trash talking! Don’t listen to him!” Nott shouts from the side.

“Keep him out of your head!” Fjord adds. “Keep him out of your head!”

“I am a very skinny man,” Caleb comments, looking at Valkin, sizing him up. “Let’s do this.” He turns to Jester, pointing at her, “Do not let me fall asleep face down in a gutter tonight.”

“Won’t happen,” Jester promises.

As the crowd draws closer, Irena leans towards Caleb, whispering, “Don’t worry, lad. I can see you’re nervous, but just let the throat open and take it in.”

Caleb feels himself flush, his mind going to something  _ else _ he could take in like that.

( _ He thinks of the color that would rise on that pretty green skin, thinks of how flustered he’d get, how he’d stutter if he said his name. _ )

Shaking his head to focus on the competition, he barely has a chance to put his hand on the tankard before Irena claps, “And, first batch, go!”

“Yes!” Nott shouts as Caleb polishes off his drink first. “That’s my boy! Good job, Caleb!”

“Oh, well done,” Valkin gets out when he finishes his own. “That’s impressive.”

“Yes, it's a good game,” Caleb nods. “It’s just a game.”

As Caleb hits a rough patch with the next drink, Nott and Jester begin to dance beside Valkin, trying to get his attention. He’s not distracted as he finishes his drink.

They down another pair of drinks, and this time Valkin isn’t looking so hot.

“I’ve got this. You’ve got this? I’ve got this,” Valkin rushes out.

“Caleb, steady,” Fjord says from behind him, and hearing his voice renews Caleb’s vigor.

On a whim, Caleb reaches over and swats Valkin on the side of the face in a gesture of camaraderie.

“No, don’t - don’t touch!” Valkin groans, moving away.

Just for the hell of it, Caleb pats him again. “It’s good - it’s good for you! It’s good!”

“Ah, no - don’t do it, please!” Valkin pleads right as Irena shouts, “Drink!”

Caleb pounds his drink in one go, putting it down at the same time Valkin finishes his.

Valkin stands up with a lazy grin. “Told you! Boo-ya!” He turns to the crowd before faceplanting onto the group, completely passed out.

The crowd erupts into cheers of Caleb’s name as Fjord lifts him up in a tight hug.

“You did it!” he laughs, twirling him around to the group, and while Caleb loves the feeling, loves the way Fjord’s arms wrap around him, and loves how happy Fjord sounds, he pats Fjord on the arm until he puts him down.

He swallows down the bile the threatens to come up, feeling dizzy and dazed after getting lifted like that.

“Second to last competitor,” Irena announces, drawing everyone’s attention back to the table. “The powerhouse, the Walking Brick herself - Tanya!”

A dwarven women marches up, muscular and menacing as she sits.

Fjord pats Caleb on the shoulder, making sure he’s steady before he heads over to the table, sitting across from Tanya. “Evenin’,” he greets.

“Ah, evenin’ to you,” she rasps out.

“You ever done this before?” Fjord asks.

“Oh, like all the time,” she shrugs. “You?”

“No,” Fjord answers honestly as their tankards are filled.

“Well, good luck then. I’m happy to see how long you last, big boy.” She taps on the table impatiently, “Fill it up!”

They finish two rounds, the first one going easy while the second one gives Fjord a little trouble. Jester tries to distract Tanya by making her think she’s seeing double as she casts  _ Mirror Image _ on herself, but all it does is make Caleb even more nauseous as the next drinks are being poured for Fjord and Tanya.

The next drink goes down, Fjord managing to finish it faster than Tanya. He hears Caleb say from behind him, “That is one smooooth seaman,” right as he starts off on his next drink, and that lights something in Fjord. He can do it again - if only to impress Caleb.

He pounds the drink like a shot, slamming the tankard down as Tanya stops drinking, looking off to the side and mumbling, “No, sorry,” and passing out, falling out of her chair.

“Never get into a drinking game with a man of the sea,” Fjord grins, standing and heading back to the group. Caleb smiles broadly at him, skin flushed and warm as he gives him a small side hug to congratulate him.

“And with that it looks like Old Blemmy’s team has fallen!” Irena shouts. “That’s three victories -”

“Not yet!” Old Blemmy gnashes out. He stands from his seat. “I haven’t competed. One of theirs hasn’t competed,” he jabs a finger towards The Mighty Nein. “How ‘bout we make a deal? Last fight - double or nothing.”

“Wait, we can win money from this thing?” Jester pipes up from the side.

“It was always about money,” Nott whispers to her.

“I thought we only got like, tokens or something for free drinks,” Jester shoots back.

“Nah, we win money - there’s money in it,” Fjord slurs, the alcohol finally hitting him now that he’s standing. He slings an arm around Caleb’s shoulders. “I like it - I say we go for it.”

“I like it as well,” Caleb nods, digging through his pockets. “But only if you can match this diamond worth, - oh, about a hundred gold.”

“Are you puttin’ in the f -” Fjord sees Caleb put the diamond on the table. “Well.”

Caleb points at it. “Give me something like that or there’s no deal.”

Blemmy seems taken aback. “I think that’s a little rich for our tastes.”

“Oh,” Caleb mock frowns as Jester begins jumping up and down and says, “Aw, no, fuck it! Let’s just do it without that deal! Double or nothing! Go Nott!” Her mirror images shimmer. “Yeah!”

“Who’s gonna come after me then?” Blemmy asks, looking around at the group.

“I’m scared,” Nott whimpers from beside Caleb, clutching onto his coat tightly. “I’m scared.”

“You’ve got it, Nott!” Jester cheers.

“Alright,” Nott nods, slowly making her way to the table. “Alright, I’ll try.” She hops into the seat. “Hello - hello, sir.”

“This?” Blemmy gestures to Nott. “This is what you bring before me as an offering?” He lets out a grating cackle.

“You know,” Fjord hiccups, nodding towards Nott, “She’s called the Bottomless Pit.”

Blemmy turns his good eye back to Nott with a threatening smirk. “I’m going to crush you, little green one.”

“Fuck his shit up, Nott!” Beau shouts, startling some of the people nearby. “Fuck his shit up!”

“Alright, I’ll try,” Nott repeats, psyching herself up for the competition.

Irena claps to gather everyone’s attention again. “Alright, looks like we get to see Ol’ Blemmy strain through his baleen after all! Get to the sides of the table - let The Whale take a drink!” Irena turns to Nott. “Against Ol’ Blemmy we have?”

“Hello, I-I, I’m Otto,” Nott rushes out, looking pale after hearing Blemmy’s nickname.

“Otto,” Irena shouts to the crowd, though she seems slightly confused by her name.

“Sorry,” Nott whispers to the group.

Fjord runs with it. “Otto the Bottomless Pit!”

“And, drink!” Irena claps.

Nott seems to be going strong against Blemmy but starts to lose traction when she tries to drink from her  _ Mage Hand _ . While the crowd loves the display, Nott presses a hand to her stomach with a grimace once she finishes her drink.

She grips her tankard tightly as Jester rushes up beside her reassuring her and giving her a gentle pat on the back. Nott nods, downing the drink and giving Blemmy a wide grin, showing off her crooked goblin teeth.

Some of the people in the crowd recoil as Blemmy finishes his own tankard and leans forward, narrowing his eyes at Nott. “Wait a minute - are you a fucking green -” his arm slips where he was holding himself up, and when he hits the table he’s out cold.

The crowd goes wild as Irena digs through Blemmy’s pockets, pulling out the token and tossing it over to Nott. “I do believe that you’ve earned this.”

“Thank you,” Nott smiles.

Beau stumbles up to Nott, sitting beside her and pointing over at the wall with the wooden plaques. “And we get our names on the board!”

“What - what does this get me?” Nott asks, holding up the token.

Irena raises an eyebrow and spreads her arms wide. “Oh, it gets you free drinks here for the rest of the week - or until someone takes it from you.”

“Free drinks?” Fjord repeats.

“Guys, we can drink more!” Nott exclaims excitedly, holding her token tightly to her chest.

Everyone in the group nods, but they almost seem pained. Jester looks around at them and points out, “You guys look like shit.”

“There’s three of you,” Caleb mumbles, tracking Jester’s mirror images.

Jester starts dancing, causing the other two Jesters to dance too. “There are, yes.”

“My mouth is watering,” Beau says, wrinkling her nose.

Nott climbs onto the table, addressing the crowd. “Let it be known that The Mighty Nein can take on any competitor and win! Victory will be ours in any arena!”

They’re clearly a drunken mess but the crowd cheers as the rest of Blemmy’s crew begrudgingly pass over their drink tokens and Irena gives them their winnings.

Fjord looks over at Irena. “Tell me you have like, biscuits and gravy or something.”

“We will in the morning,” she answers.

“Oh, that will be perfect,” Molly claps.

She eyes Fjord with a sly smile, arching an eyebrow suggestively, “Well, if you’re looking for a meal -”

Fjord brings a hand to cover his mouth. “Oh, God.”

“Ohhhh, yeah,” Nott whistles.

“She wants to fuck your brains out,” Beau says loudly, making Molly and Nott dissolve into laughter.

“You know I think I-I have some more, uh, libations in me,” Fjord chokes out.

“Fjord, why not?” Nott asks. “We’re in Hupperdook! Dook it up!”  
“I know,” Fjord nods. “The night is young! It’s young!”

Molly leans against the table. “I can crash in another room, it’s perfectly fine.”

“It’s young, Molly!” Fjord repeats.

“We do have an extra room,” Jester reminds them.

“No, it’s fine,” Fjord declines. “We’re good.”

Beau leans closer to Irena. “He’s too drunk to fuck.”

“Well, that’s not true,” Fjord denies, looking at Irena before glancing at Caleb. “I’m fine.”

“He’s a little embarrassed,” Beau continues as Fjord shakes his head vehemently. “His penis gets a little limp after a few drinks.”

“Wow,” Fjord lets out, looking at the ceiling as heat begins to rise up his cheeks. “Not at all.”

“It’s nothing personal,” Beau finishes.

“She doesn’t know me like that,” Fjord explains. “It’s not real.”

“I have a friend who’s an herbalist who has something that could help with that,” Irena offers.

“You have a friend who’s an herbalist?” Molly asks, intrigued, as Fjord blows an exasperated raspberry.

“Do you have a topical cream?” Beau follows up. Then she shakes her head. “Nevermind, that’s a different problem.”

“Where’s your - where’s your pisser?” Fjord interrupts, just wanting the conversation to end.

“Oh, it’s up, third floor - there’s a bit of a water closet,” Irena directs, pointing up. “Just aim for the hole, please.”

Fjord nods. “I’ll be right back.”

“It’s his penis problem again,” Beau whispers loudly as Fjord walks away. He only walks far enough out of earshot, just to get away from the conversation, before he turns around, watching the group.

Caleb and Beau are leaning into each other, talking, before she gives Caleb a playful slap. His head snaps to the side, and he turns back to her, blinking dazedly as the rest of the group laughs at whatever he says. While he knows Beau is only messing around, Fjord makes a drunken mental note to remind her that her rough housing was still definitely enough to hurt anyone in their party.

Fjord watches Beau wander off from the group as Jester takes Caleb by the hand and leads him towards the musicians. They begin waltzing, and the band changes to softer music as other couples follow their lead, with Molly and Nott joining them and dancing together, stumbling and laughing. Fjord wants to join them too - he can feel the liquor give him the courage to ask Caleb out to dance - but he decides that freshening up just a bit might be better so that he looks more put together when he asks.

He starts to head upstairs, giving the group one last glance as Beau saunters over and says something that makes Caleb laugh where Jester’s leading him, feeling the warmth in his stomach spread to his chest, making Fjord giddy and excited to join the others again.

* * *

Caleb isn’t sure how long he’s been dancing with Jester. It’s nice to get to do it again, the moves coming back to him naturally the longer they waltz around, and while he’s grown fond of Jester and he’s glad she dragged him out, he can’t help but think that he’d like to be dancing with someone else - someone taller than her, with broader shoulders and an easy smile and warm eyes.

His hand squeezes Jester’s, feeling her soft fingers in his, and his brain is muddled from the alcohol. “You were always a better dancer than me, Astrid. You were always so good.”

“Astrid?” Jester asks, faltering in her step.

And even when he calls Jester Astrid he was thinking of Fjord but  _ knew _ he was dancing with a woman but the woman wasn’t Astrid, it's  _ Jester _ , his mind races as he nods blearily, “ _ Ja _ .”

“Oh, well, you know, Caleb,” Jester begins, “you’ve been a good dancer -”

Caleb steps back, out of Jester’s reach. “Oh, I’m sorry - I’m-I’m sorry.”

Jester follows him, gently putting a hand on his arm. “Caleb, do you need to go to sleep?” He ignores her question and tries to stumble away, but she grabs onto his jacket with a firm, “No, no, no.” She shakes a finger at him. “You are not going to go pass out in the street. You told me to be in charge of this.” And she leads him upstairs, using his key to unlock one of the rooms and tucking him into bed.

“You are blue,” Caleb gets out, booping Jester on the nose as she pats him on the head.

“Yes, I am,” Jester smiles, “And you are very nice, and a little stinky.”

“One of those things is true,” Caleb sings out, “Aaand you are blue.”

Jester ruffles his hair fondly, and leaves the room.

Caleb knows he must have fallen asleep at least for a little while, but before long he finds himself stumbling out of his room, looking for the bathroom. Bless his perfect memory, he thinks as he hazily recalls where Irena had sent Fjord off when he asked for the water closet. Caleb finds it with ease, stepping inside and almost tripping as soon as he walks in.

Fjord is passed out, slumped beside a wash basin with his bracers off, an arm in the water while the other hangs limp at his side. Caleb squints at him as he gets up, going to crouch beside him and shaking him awake. “Fjord,” he croaks out. “Fjord.”

Blinking up at Caleb as he comes to, Fjord focuses on him. “What - Caleb, what are you doing in my room?”

Caleb flushes at the question but shakes his head. “No, Fjord, you - you’re in the water closet.”

“Wait, what?” Fjord asks, looking around before his eyes widen. “Fuck, shit, I’m sorry.” He jumps to his feet quickly, catching himself against Caleb as he sways where he stands. “Well, uh,” he says lamely, holding onto Caleb tightly. “Good night,” he breathes out.

“Good night,” Caleb quietly answers as he lets him go and Fjord leaves the water closet. Caleb stays on the spot for another beat before his bladder reminds him why he had even gone there in the first place. He takes care of business quickly, washing his hands afterwards and splashing some water on his face to wake up a bit before he opens the door to start heading out again.

Fjord is standing in front of the door, sheepishly rubbing at his wrists. “I forgot my, ah,” he raises his hands.

“Your bracers,” Caleb nods, meaning to step aside but instead Fjord just walks in, crowding into his space, and Caleb lets him, realizing how much he wants to close the distance between them, but just as quickly as he’s there Fjord’s gone, stepping past him and picking up his bracers before stepping out.

He looks down the hall, one way, then the other, before turning to Caleb. “Do you know where our rooms are at?”

Caleb stifles a laugh as he motions for Fjord to follow him. It doesn’t take long before they’re in the corner where their four rooms are at, and he points at the one beside his. “I think Jester told me that was your and Molly’s room.”

Fjord nods his thanks. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says, opening the door quietly. Light from the lantern in the hallway spills into the room, illuminating both Nott and Molly passed out on the bed. He looks at Caleb again. “Is that offer to share a room still on the table?”

“Of course,” Caleb answers quickly, stepping to the next door as Fjord closes the one to his room. Caleb opens the door and walks in, shrugging off his coat this time and folding it onto a chair.

He hears Fjord follow him inside, can hear him fiddling with his armor as Caleb takes off his book holsters. Caleb stays in his trousers and his shirt as he sits down on the bed, finally glancing over at Fjord.

“Fuck,” Fjord curses under his breath, his back to Caleb as he struggles to unclasp some of the straps of his armor. He’s trying to reach it where it is at the small of his back, and Caleb knows that any other time he’d be able to get it with ease, but right now, with all that drink in him, he probably won’t be able to get it without toppling over.

Without thinking, Caleb gets up, crossing over to him and quickly unclasping it for Fjord. “There,” he says, patting his back.

Fjord turns around and gives Caleb a smile. “Thank -” he starts, but pauses when he realizes how close Caleb is.

Dropping his hands, Caleb starts to take a step back but Fjord catches them in his own, holding them softly.

“Thank you,” Fjord breathes.

“Like I said,” Caleb gets out, remembering how he’d helped him in the swamp. “Anytime.”

They stare at each other for a beat, Caleb’s hands in Fjord’s. He leans in just as Fjord ducks down and their lips meet. They fall into each other, crash against each other, Fjord dropping Caleb’s hands and cupping his face while Caleb holds on tightly to the front of Fjord’s armor.

Caleb’s stubble is rough against Fjord’s hands, but his lips are soft and inviting and  _ eager _ , rushing up to meet his as soon as he pulls back for breath. Fjord holds him steady, knowing he’s on his tippy-toes to reach him, and one arm snakes behind him to pull Caleb flush against him.

Letting out a tiny gasp, Caleb squirms to get a bit of space between them and Fjord’s arm relaxes, and he’s just about to step back with an apology already on his lips before he realizes that Caleb is working on the clasps in the front of his armor, working them lose and trying to get his armor off as he continues to kiss Fjord.

Fjord grins into the next kiss, shrugging off the armor as he steps closer to Caleb and they stumble back until the back of Caleb’s knees hit the bed. He falls back, letting out a breathless laugh as Fjord hovers over him, this time kissing his cheek and mouthing down his neck. The flower that was in Caleb’s hair falls out, getting lost between the sheets.

“Maybe we should get more, ah, comfortable,  _ ja _ ?” Caleb manages to get out between kisses.

Nodding, Fjord wraps his arms around Caleb’s waist, lifting him up and hoisting him higher onto the bed until he’s fully laying on it before descending on his neck again, kissing and touching and breathing and  _ being _ with Caleb.

A memory, unbidden yet surfacing in his drunken stupor, makes Fjord pull away for Caleb with a crooked grin. “You think I wanted that woman back at the swamp?” he asks, and when Caleb flushes he realizes he was right - Caleb  _ had _ been jealous. “You think I wanted the woman serving us up drinks?” Fjord shakes his head, leaning in closer to Caleb, enough so that when he talks his lips can brush up against his. “They aren’t you, Caleb,” he whispers, “I only want you.”

Caleb wraps his arms around Fjord’s neck pulling him in for a heady kiss.

One of Fjord’s hands tightens at Caleb’s waist while the other still holds him up to keep from crushing him. He moves to mouth down Caleb’s neck again while Caleb curses in Zemnian, his hands moving to Fjord’s hair.

A button from Caleb’s shirt has come loose, exposing the soft skin of his chest, the freckled canvas of his collarbones. Fjord plants a kiss where his neck meets his shoulder, taking a deep breath. His mouth waters, the primal part of him, wanting to sink his teeth into Caleb, to mark him as his.

“Do it,” Caleb breathes out, reading his mind, because  _ of course _ he does, of course this brilliant, beautiful man knows what he’s thinking. “You can do it, Fjord.”

And the way he says his name, not Fjord but  _ Fyord _ , the little whine as Fjord rolls his hips into his almost does him in. He remembers what Caleb had said, about embracing the “yes, and”. He wants to embrace it now, wants to drown in it, wants to claim Caleb as his and make sure no one ever touches him. He wants to so badly.

But he can’t.

He plants a kiss there, slow and tortuous. “We’re drunk, Caleb,” he chokes out.

Caleb tugs on his hair until Fjord moves up to his face again. “I know,” Caleb admits, but his expression is determined “But I know I want this. I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

Even though it pains him, Fjord shakes his head. “I want this too - so badly. But I want this sober, where we won’t be able to make any mistakes we might regret.” Because he knows his heart won’t be able to handle it if Caleb thinks he’s a mistake - not after having him like this, and especially not if he gets more.

“Oh,” Caleb says gently, his expression dropping. “I -  _ ja _ , I understand.”

Fjord nods, but then his brain catches up when he realizes that Caleb thinks Fjord’s implying that  _ he’s _ the mistake.

“Caleb, no,” Fjord breathes out, catching Caleb in another kiss. “No, Caleb. You’re not - no.” He gives him another kiss, then pulls back to look him in the eye. “You’re not a mistake.”

“But,” Caleb begins to argue.

“No buts,” Fjord says. He nuzzles into his neck. “It's honestly killing me to say no to you, you know that?”

He can feel Caleb slowly begin to smile as his fingers card through Fjord’s hair. “Are you now?” And he rolls his hips, and Fjord gasps when he feels how hard Caleb is in his trousers, gasps at the feeling of him brushing against Fjord’s own hardening length. “Guess Beau  _ was  _ lying after all,” he teases.

Fjord swears under his breath, nipping at Caleb’s neck lightly, startling a moan out of him from the unexpected feeling. He leaves a decent hickey on Caleb’s neck, one that he’ll be able to hide with his scarf - a compromise for what he actually wants to do. He moves to hover over Caleb. “I want to show you just how much of a lie that was,” he says, eyes hooded and expression dark.

Caleb feels the fire in his belly that had been burning since the evening started roar within. “Then why don’t you?”

Ducking down again, Fjord kisses Caleb, wrapping his arms around him and turning him to the side so that he’s laying down beside him. “Because, Caleb,” Fjord explains breathlessly. “I want to do this right.” His hand comes to Caleb’s face and he runs his thumb over the stubble of his cheek. “I really like you. I don’t want to mess this up.”

Not expecting that answer, Caleb surges forward, kissing Fjord one more time before moving to tuck his head into the crook of Fjord’s neck. “Okay,” he says quietly.

“Okay?” Fjord asks, hands easily settling around Caleb as he gathers him in his arms.

Caleb nods. “Okay.” He kisses Fjord’s neck softly. “We can wait for the right time.”

Fjord tightens his grip around Caleb, enveloping him in a hug. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Caleb yawns, the alcohol quickly dragging him under as they settle in for the night, Fjord’s warmth lulling him easily. “Anytime, for you,” Caleb says quietly. “Good night, Fjord.”

Pulling up the blankets around them, Fjord holds Caleb close. “Good night, Caleb,” he answers, kissing his hair softly, warm and happy, and hoping that they can start doing this all the time.

* * *

“Hey!” Jester shouts, followed by loud pounding on the door, “Check your coin purses!”

“Not so loud,” Fjord groans, and Caleb feels him shift from where he was holding him. He sits up, and Caleb does too, rubbing at his eyes blearily.

“Make sure you have your money still!” she yells, before moving on to the next door.

They glance at each other, and while they feel like it should be awkward, it just feels right. Natural, to wake up beside each other.

“Good morning,” Caleb gets out first.

“‘Mornin’,” Fjord answers with a half smile.

It’s the second time they’ve woken up in the same bed, but the first where they don’t remember what led to that. Seeing that they’re still wearing clothes assures them that nothing like  _ that _ happened, but whatever it was, they feel closer for it.

(And if Fjord smiles as he catches sight of the hickey on Caleb’s neck as they’re changing into fresh clothes, he doesn’t mention.)

( _ And if Caleb can’t help but smile to himself when he notices the dark mark on his neck as he figures he has a good idea from where it came from, no one will ever know. _ )

But they both hope that whatever happened when they were drunk, happens again.

**Author's Note:**

> it kiiiiilllllled me to have them stop but it was the right thing to do, like Fjord would be all gentlemanly like we know this gang
> 
> but oooooh they're so fucking cute T.T
> 
> honestly tho when Matt fucking said "just let the throat open and take it in" i fucking died i ascended and it was the final nail in my coffin tbh
> 
> I really hope you guys like this! Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos make my day, so drop on in if you have the chance :)
> 
> And here are the time stamps for all the scenes that inspired this fic:  
> The Hour of Honor | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 24 - 35:24, 51:37, 1:17:43, 1:23:56, 1:29:19, and 2:10:22


End file.
